Blessings

Mother seems so much better emotionally! She is enjoying the interaction with so many caring people, and she likes her room and the food. Her only complaint was that she didn't get to shower one day. No full blown anxiety attacks since she entered the Care Center. She does get anxious in the evenings, but I've been able to calm her down and put her to bed easily.

This morning she told me she'd slept well till 5 AM when Missy came by to see her on her way to the beach. ????? Missy was asleep at her house then, about 60 miles away. She was also going on about how nice it was to have Aaron helping her get to the bathroom the other night. Aaron lives in a different state. She wanted to know when he'd gotten back from Spain. Oops, wrong grandson. I'm glad even those far away are visiting and taking good care of her!

Then there is her roommate Julia. The only other Latina in the place. Actually they were aquainted years ago, their husbands were good friends. We are so happy to have them together. Julia's family visits a lot also, so they will both have more company!

Some funny stuff going on. My mother complains that Julia is bossy, tells her not to go for a walk around the center "the marauders will get you because you are naked" says Julia. Another time my mother didn't want to go walk with me, because Julia might need her. When I insisted that Julia would be fine, the nurses or CNAs could help her, then mother said she couldn't leave because Julia might go through her stuff. While my mother is in the bathroom, Julia comes over and straightens her bed. She is in a wheel chair, yet was offering to help my mom last night, when mother had trouble walking.

Here is the funniest, tonight Julia's son told me that his mother thinks that our mother sleeps so much because she has a drinking problem! They had just gotten back from an outing and Julia asked me about mother. I said I was leaving because she was asleep. "I think she had a little refreshment", says Julia while making a gesture with her hand indicating someone having a drink!

June 9th

I went back to see Mother yesterday evening. She was wearing a hospital gown and couldn't tell me why. The nurse told me Mother had requested the gown, so they had complied. Mother asked me to change her back into her own night gown and put her to bed. When I went back again an hour later, she was sound asleep. What a relief.

Mother called at 6:15 this morning, while I was getting ready to leave. She was distraught and wanted "to tell me where she was so I could come and get her" and that she was hungry. She gave the phone to the CNA who told me Mother had been asking for us all night. I told her about the hungry part, so the CNA got her a snack. I cancelled my plans and went over. Mother had not had her Parkinson's meds, so she could barely move. I sat with her for a couple of hours, until the medications took effect and she'd had breakfast. After that I helped her into bed and she went right to sleep.

Nina just called to report that this afternoon Mother was cheerful, walking around, getting acquainted with her surroundings and the people. She said she'd had a wonderful night's sleep. ?????

Sad day

Yesterday we moved Mother into the nursing home. Well, Isis and Nina did the actual moving (and all the research and paper work also).

I have been praying for clarity, to know what would be best. I got it as I watched Mother have severe anxiety attacks Saturday and Sunday. We gave her as much medication as possible, herbs, homeopathics, EFT and everything else we could think of to calm her, but it still took 3 and 4 hours. Her pulse was normal and strong and her color was good, but she felt like she was suffocating.

The first time this happened was in January, we called the paramedics, took her to the hospital where they did all kinds of tests and told us it was an anxiety attack. Even in the middle of her panic she did not want to go back to the hospital.

It was awful watching her suffer. I figured if it was exhausting for me, it must have been hellish for her. I didn't want her to go through that again. Hopefully they can manage the condition at the care center, so that she doesn't have to.

I feel so sad.

Danger

Last week was pretty good for Mother. Our daughter Missy and her cute baby were visiting us and mother loved watching the baby toddle around. The only problem was a day when the baby was teething and fuzzy, requiring a lot of attention. My mother was anxious. She would try to help or demand attention, especially from Missy. Mother wanted Missy to get her food, put her to bed, etc.

The helping was even more disturbing. Mother brought her medications to Missy, wanting to give some to the baby, " to make him feel better". So grateful that she tried to enlist help, and didn't just give him one of her anti anxiety pills. I had not realized the danger.

Unexpected results

The roses I chopped down a few weeks ago are doing wonderful. What I thought would harm them has helped them thrive.

Perhaps it will be like that with mother. I have been against considering a care center, but she really and truly does need more care than I can provide. There are times when she freezes, her body won't respond. Other times anxiety overwhelms her. She is terrified to be alone, wants us with her 24/7. I could do that for a limited time, but not indefinitely. I have a husband, children, grandchildren, work.

Yesterday, during a lucid moment, she told me that she would like to be in a nursing home. My son reminded me it's not about what I want, it's about what she needs. Is this what would be best for her?

Breakthrough

I have not posted for a while because I haven’t known how to express my frustration with Mother, with myself. Her anxiety attacks are coming more and more often. Pretty much daily and always worse if we are busy and not giving her enough attention. A couple of nights I have gone to bed feeling rather disappointed in myself, because I have not been patient with Mother, even spoken to her harshly as she demands more and more attention. I think there is still a little girl inside of me that can’t comprehend why her mother is gone and she has to care for this very demanding person who makes no sense. I want her to snap out of it!

Last night I was blessed with grace. My husband and I were in the middle of helping our son with a big service project. Mother had gone to bed around 6 PM, then got up about 9, very anxious. Looking for us, but not wanting to be with us or be still. Wanting us to help her, but not knowing with what. Something Louis said earlier came to my mind, about how she could not control how she felt any more than she could control the Parkinsons. I was able to step outside the situation, be objective and see her need.

I took her to bed, apologized for not understanding her plight earlier. She wanted to just look at me. She had a break through also, as she expressed that she needed to be understood and attended to. I gave her my full attention, was present with her and her need was filled quickly. Just like with a child, but it is so much easier for me to do this with a child.

What's best for her?

I have been so against considering a care center for mother, but I'm beginning to question myself. This was a very busy week for me, lots of work that took me out of the house, plus Jason had track meets and other activities I needed to be at. I was gone everyday for many hours and mother was all alone. Luckily there were no mishaps, but she was very lonely. She is getting to the point where she needs 24 hour supervision, but she doesn't want me to get someone else to come "sit with her" while I'm gone. She says that would be stressful, like she has to entertain them, can't relax. Even with me she prefers to sit in a separate room, alone with her memories. She just wants to know one of us is here, and she wants food!