Breakthrough

I have not posted for a while because I haven’t known how to express my frustration with Mother, with myself. Her anxiety attacks are coming more and more often. Pretty much daily and always worse if we are busy and not giving her enough attention. A couple of nights I have gone to bed feeling rather disappointed in myself, because I have not been patient with Mother, even spoken to her harshly as she demands more and more attention. I think there is still a little girl inside of me that can’t comprehend why her mother is gone and she has to care for this very demanding person who makes no sense. I want her to snap out of it!

Last night I was blessed with grace. My husband and I were in the middle of helping our son with a big service project. Mother had gone to bed around 6 PM, then got up about 9, very anxious. Looking for us, but not wanting to be with us or be still. Wanting us to help her, but not knowing with what. Something Louis said earlier came to my mind, about how she could not control how she felt any more than she could control the Parkinsons. I was able to step outside the situation, be objective and see her need.

I took her to bed, apologized for not understanding her plight earlier. She wanted to just look at me. She had a break through also, as she expressed that she needed to be understood and attended to. I gave her my full attention, was present with her and her need was filled quickly. Just like with a child, but it is so much easier for me to do this with a child.

What's best for her?

I have been so against considering a care center for mother, but I'm beginning to question myself. This was a very busy week for me, lots of work that took me out of the house, plus Jason had track meets and other activities I needed to be at. I was gone everyday for many hours and mother was all alone. Luckily there were no mishaps, but she was very lonely. She is getting to the point where she needs 24 hour supervision, but she doesn't want me to get someone else to come "sit with her" while I'm gone. She says that would be stressful, like she has to entertain them, can't relax. Even with me she prefers to sit in a separate room, alone with her memories. She just wants to know one of us is here, and she wants food!